|Translation: Anna Shcherbina|
Photo by Nastya Okolot
This question may seem funny at first but behind every joke there is some truth. And sadly enough many brides and just married ask themselves such a question. It would be so great to give a small reminder note to all just married and those who are planning to get married soon. Just for them to realize where they are heading and why. Maybe one day someone will put this idea into practice.
Meanwhile I will write my message for brides and young wives.
What are the main concerns of those getting married?
- That love will come to an end
- That maybe this is a mistake
- That the person will change (or on the contrary will never change). The first concern is most common among men and the second among women.
But some people don’t have any fears at all. They just have blind faith in their luck and are absolutely sure the things will arrange by themselves.
Some girls read fairy tales in their childhood and still remember that the happiness starts right after the wedding. So they believe that it is more important to get the man marry them and afterwards divine providence will arrange for their happiness.
The first, the second and the third – all of them will come up with discoveries both pleasant and unpleasant.
Sometimes I look at young wives and I see confusion. They thought it would be something different. Now they don’t quite understand where is the good of it.
And I also see young husbands who only knew one side of the matrimony. Now they also wonder if this is what they were looking for.
I see couples that gave their love and commitment vows just yesterday and today cannot even talk to each other, starting to fight right away. Many of them just can’t handle it and get divorced. During their first year of marriage
One camera operator from Irkutsk told us many years ago that he had started to ask for advanced payment for his services after several incidents. It took him three or six months to edit the wedding videos and when he called to the couples he learned that they had already separated. And nobody wanted the wedding video although at the wedding day they were happy, pronounced high-sounding words and planned to be together.
Let’s talk about it. How don’t let the moment slip away and don’t let the relationship go to its low point after the wedding (although now it seems like the time to relax, right?)
What is there waiting for us after wedding?
1. Most important thing is to understand that life will not change dramatically overnight. If you think that marriage certificate will make you happy, confident and shining – you are sadly mistaken. The certificate itself doesn’t change that much. I usually refer to wedding as a rite of passage and exchange of vows. After which your life gets back on its track. And now it is necessary to follow the vows. Be together through plenty and want, through health and sickness, till death do you apart. Wedding will mark one more thing off your wishlist, provide you with a status of a married woman and give a kind of mutual certainty. And everyone decides for herself what she is going to do with all this.
2. Moreover, some people don’t understand that crises are inevitable. I am often asked how to escape from them. But I don’t think it’s the right question to ask. Any crisis is a great opportunity for your growth. If it hadn’t been for crises we would probably have never learned to walk. For at first we never want to lose sight of our mother and afterwards we solve the problem by walking around. Do not try to escape crises. They reveal your problems and show the direction for further growth. Most important thing is not to get stuck in them as if in a mire. If you see the open road – follow it!
3. I will repeat it again the marriage itself has never made an unhappy woman a happy one. Happiness resides not in possessions. And even if you see happiness in bride’s eyes during her wedding ceremony it doesn’t mean it will stay there forever. Marriage is like a magnifying glass. As you step into it, so you will become. It is only your mental attitude that will magnify. If you step into marriage feeling lonely – you will become even more lonely, feeling independent – you will become even more independent, feeling unhappy – and you will become more unhappy. Other people can never be a cure from loneliness or depressions. Married life is a ground for your personal growth, not a mental hospital.
4. In family life a lot, if not everything, depends on communication. If husband and wife learned to discuss difficult topics and solve issues everything else will come easier, because they will be able to discuss and solve all the misunderstandings. But if they will hide their hurts and irritation, sooner or late it will lead to an explosion. And not everyone may be able to survive it.
5. Entering into matrimony you must be ready to stop looking for a husband. This is very important. I remember a wedding of a girl whose mother told to her straightforwardly – what’s the use in trying so hard, it’s not the last time you marry. Five years passed and the mother turned out to be right. Such was a family scenario. It is so common nowadays to have a ‘trial marriage’ and if you don’t like it – just find another one. In fact, you can be happy with any person. And you can love any person. Where there’s a will, there is a way. Woman’s fidelity, her loyalty to her husband even in her thoughts, is most solid foundation of all. If you don’t feel like accepting that he is the best man in the world, you better not marry him. Really. First decide for yourself.
6. Always remember that your husband is your mirror. If you don’t like something in him, most probably you have it in you. You just can’t see it. Sometimes this reflection is not so obvious. Some qualities are identical for both men and women but they look different. For example, if a man is irresponsible, it means that his woman is disobedient. A husband’s cheating and flirting shows his wife’s infidelity (more often in thoughts like “I can find a better one”).
7. Always remember that woman bears 90% responsibility for the relationships. Sad though it may seem, she needs family life much more than a man does. And if a man decides to walk away it means, as a rule, that she first decided for herself to break the relationship. And if you are not comfortable with your family relationships it means you are doing something wrong.
8. And most important – start with yourself first. All of the changes, all of the complaints. If my husband acts this way, what do I do wrong? Don’t go too deep in self-analysis, start to act at once. If your husband spends too much time playing computer games, just think if you give him enough love, care and affection. Do you give him a chance to be a hero? I understand that you don’t want to give anything to such a person. But you can spend all your life playing push-me-pull-you. Become a source of changes. Changes in wife will sooner or late make husband respond to them. In case you will change for yourself, not expecting any feedback from him.
9. And remember that love is not about feelings, love is about actions. And the more you serve your husband (although many people don’t like this word and interpret it like “fawn’’) –the stronger a true love will grow in your heart. Love suffers long, doesn’t envy and never fails. And most important, such love can never be one-sided. It evokes huge gratitude and love in the heart of a man. Love is not about butterflies in your belly and not a firework of emotions and passion. Love is when you want to spend all your life with this person and walk together around the town holding hands when you both grow old.
Is it difficult? I would say it’s interesting. Family life may help you become quite a different person and you will be able to influence the world around you.
- It’s so great to be a source of changes.
- To be a person who can influence relationships is fascinating.
- Learn to talk to your beloved is not easy, but is worth the cost.
- Learn to love – is it not the reason why we were born?
There is a life after wedding. And it has a huge potential for creativity. If you realize what is waiting for you on the other side of the barricade, maybe life will become easier for you. Especially if you learn to understand your role in the situation and duly react to all changes.
I wish you happiness in your family life. I’m sure you will make it.
Olga Valyaeva — valyaeva.ru
P.S. And for those who are not yet married and wish to enter into marriage knowingly and lightheartedly – my new course «Marry once for the rest of your life»