What is the fidelity? — Olga Valyaeva
|Translation: Aida Khatipova (Altair)|
Our whole life consists of competition. Since the very beginning of it, since the birth. Our mothers were going out with other mums and were talking on topicslike: who has more teeth, who gains weight better, who already walks, crawls and talks…
From the very birth we are being compared with others. Then at school — someone learns better and faster, someone else dances, and someone is just beautiful.
Then the institution — someone was accepted to the Technical Institute, someone — to MGIMO, and someone studies in a college. Somebody decides not to continue his education and just goes to work as a shop assistant.
When a few years after graduation, your classmate finds you in the social network, he does not ask you about weather or what your soul craves. He asks: what is your job, and do you have family and children. And if you have a husband, your classmate will ask about your husband’s job, his salary, and do you have a flat, etc.
We learn to compare everything. We learn to choose between accepting what we have as good and enough, and ability to have something better.
That’s how an ordinary family lives and looks at its neighbors: “They have a better car, but we have a bigger flat”; “they have children of same-sex and we have children of different sexes”; “but he is a CEO, and my husband is an engineer”; “his wife is a fashion model, and mine is just a housewife”.
And so on.
Stephen Covey during his seminar in Kiev said the most important phrase for me: «The greatest stealing is comparison». That is how we steal happiness – from ourselves, from those who are being compared, and from those who are being compared with. We steal the individuality of our own children, comparing them with peers. We steal own husband’s dignity, comparing him with a neighbor. And so on.
We all do not like being compared with someone else. When a relative in conversation suddenly says: “But Mary prepares a three-course meal and fruit compote for Pasha”, — a cold sweat runs through the back of any wife, and red lights shine in her eyes.
We had eaten enough of all these comparisons from our birth — a constant race in trying to meet them is exhausting and has no end. Because even if you, like Mary, already cook a three-course meal and compote, there is always Sveta, who every day bakes her own bread and cakes. There is always a warmer place. There is always someone who is prettier, smarter, brighter, sexier…
But despite the fact that we do not like to be compared, we love to compare people around us: husband or wife, children, parents … and so every day we steal happiness from ourselves and those around us.
We always seek happiness outside. We expect that someone will come and then we’ll finally be happy. Many of us become wives hoping to find in marriage happiness too. But do not find.
As Ruslan Narushevich said, marriage is a magnifying glass. You find enlarged the same thing which you put under it before. If you put under it an unhappy woman, you’ll get her even more miserable. To get a really happy woman, you initially have to put under it a happy woman.
We used to do the opposite — we come to the dreams of marriage, being lonely and yearning for love. As a result, we become even more lonely and yearning, and in this state we divorce. I will write about how to become happy next time. Now I want to address the question of loyalty.
We do not get from the marriage what we dream to. That is why most women, being married, remain in standby mode. They are not ready to admit that their husband is the best man in the world. They are not ready to give him the true oath of allegiance.
For example, a friend of mine, she is a long- married. They already have children, and everything seems to be good. But there is one thing. She has an obsession that she would be happier if she was married her ex-boyfriend.
Of course, her husband knows absolutely nothing about it. He even is not aware that there was an ex-boyfriend, who he was, and so on. But for some reason his wife annoys him. Even when she behaves perfectly.
He feels that her energy flows to somewhere outside. And this really irritates him.
If we do not water our garden (I.e., husband), and pour water on the neighbor’s garden, our carrot will never grow, and the neighbor’s turnip will grow and become huge, causing an even greater disappointment.
When we marry, it is very important to put a full stop. A full stop at the end of our search. The search for happiness and the best man. We have to say to ourselves, that this is a man that I want to spend my whole life with. The only one.
Actually, this attitude is a real loyalty. It is greater and more complicated than simply not having sex with other people. It is very difficult to keep this loyalty, because in difficult times, we feel that elsewhere the grass is greener, that certainly there is a prince, with whom I can always be happy, that someone will accept me for who I am, and he will be “like Putin”. And that this man is not worthy of me, because he drinks, smokes, swears, does not work…
We all want to be happy. We want the endorphins in the blood to make us happy all the time. It is really hard to work on the relationship and try to change yourself! So it is difficult to understand and to accept that if you want to be happy, we need to work — and mainly to work on ourselves :-). It is even harder to understand that the happiness of family life begins at the moment when you say to yourself: “I do not need another man. He is the best husband for me!”
Personally, my family life does not come easy. I do not have a picture oh how it has to be — my Mum has always lived alone. Of course, I wanted to preserve my independence in marriage and to not adjust for anyone – like Mum. But it turned out that it gives nothing. All my attempts ended up with my husband’s lack of understanding, to put it mildly. And I had thoughts of divorce, a new husband, etc.
Only when I began studying Vedic knowledge, I realized that this is the biggest mistake. Just admitting in my head the possibility that “I’ll find another one”, I’m putting a cross on my family and my happiness in it. Then my husband cannot make money, cannot be a good father and a caring man. And that’s just because I do not give him. And it is my responsibility.
Knowing that such a thought is disloyalty already, first shocked me, because during first difficult years I often thought about this: maybe we are not meant for each other, maybe there is someone better for me, etc.
I’m writing about this because I see from my own experience how it changes family life, how it affects the man, the children, the woman herself. I want to share this knowledge with all women. I believe that it can save many families and destinies.
According to the Vedic tradition, a woman’s loyalty to her man gives him:
— Respect of the people around.
— Protection against accidents.
— Strength and determination in order to feed his family.
— Reciprocal loyalty.
— The desire to take care of his wife.
— The desire to care of children.
— The desire to protect his family from all adversities.
In short, it’s like the Superman’s costume with all the options. Great, isn’t it?
Just because when he feels that he is the only one, that he is being loved, — it gives him wings. And he is ready to move mountains for a woman who gave him the wings.
Let’s present wings to our men — they were created to fly. Then we, sitting on their hands, will be able to get to where we want too.